[Ed.: We are stunned to discover we were not the first to present a scripted response to "I am a Craft Beer Drinker" and applaud Reluctant Scooper for no doubt leading the charge. While we wait, we are happy to report that the following story board was found in the records of the Museo di Cinematrografico Equivoco in a file labeled "F. Fellini (non imparentato)."]
I am a Craft Beer Blogger
by F. Fellini
Scene 1: The Origins of Ice Cold.
[Soundtrack: Howling Blizzard Sounds.]
Light opens on an Arctic wasteland in black and white. The camera pans across a frozen Nordic plain before a rocky mountain range... until we seems something. A dot. Zooming at ground level we move towards a figure. He wears fur. As we zoom in closer, slowing we see that his mouth is wide, eyes wild. We realize is shouting once close enough to hear the scream over the wind. Subtitles tell us this is Knut. Knut of Norway. Zoom into his parka fur wrapped body, then face, then one eye as scream overwhelms the wind. He is screaming "Øl !" He screams a long bellowing "Øl !" to the four corners of the world. "Øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøl !!!! He screams. Then, he stops. Silence. The eye closes.
Scene 2: The Man Who Slept Under Cans
[Soundtrack: "BabaYaga" from Mussorgsky's Pictures from an Exhibition.]
Eye snaps opens, now in colour. It is yellow and bloodshot. It darts around, gathering understanding. Slowly we zoom out from the eye to see that the eye is all we can see peeking out of a very large man-sized pile of Rodenbach cans, the only furnishings inside a bright sun lit London bedsit. Suddenly the pile moves. Suddenly upright, we see Mark Dredge. Empties clatter aside. Rising, he is fully dressed. To the beat, he marches out of the small can strewn apartment and out into the busy street. Crossing streets through traffic, pushing through high street crowds, he reads aloud from his mobile device: "Ales on now: Purity Mad Goose, Woodforde's Wherry, Harvey's Best. Next: Box Steam DeRail Ale." At 3:30 minutes 27 seconds in Baba Yaga he walks into The Gunmakers takes a long pull on the offered pint and drinks with deep satisfaction. Drinks for another 5 minutes as nothing much happens. Then types into mobile device: "Insanely hungover but saved by this pint of Mad Goose before me." The camera moves away and we start to spin. We move and zoom around the pub like an out of body experience with the closing majestic crescendo and suddenly down into - then through - the screen of his mobile device.
[Ed.: Well done. Your curiosity in a file labeled "F. Fellini (non imparentato) from the Museo di Cinematrografico Equivoco in (where? - Rome, Norway, London?) is to your credit. Not sure how far much is left in the file.]
Scene 3: The Interwebs of Doom.
Through the mobile device we fall into an otherworldly spiral of storm and lightening, racing orchestral music adding drama.. The storm morphs into fibre optics forming a net work of hundreds, then thousands then uncountable small bright lights floating in a dark nothingness. We zoom and dip into a series of the small lights which resolve into scenes of moderately husky early middle aged men at their computers each in turn muttering their own response as they type in reply: "Mad Goose? That's crap!" "Mad Goose? That was the 11,274th beer I ever had. Not nearly as good as the 11,273rd as I recall" "Mad Goose a C+ on BeerAdvocate? That's insane!!!" After an unbelievable number of similar short scenes taking far too much time, pumped by a score from a sci-fi action TV show of decades past and having gotten the point clearly long ago, we now are taken to see another similarly moderately husky early middle aged man before the computer in the corner of a room. The music quietens. He is not typing. He is not screaming or muttering at the screen. He is reading a book. It is quiet. We zoom into the book. The book is a brewer's log centuries old. We hear the thick pages turn, meaty fingers tracing ink on old paper. We zoom into the page going out of focus.[Ed.: That is it. The storyboard ends there. It looks like it was a work in progress. There was clearly intended to be more. There is reference to snow sounds in scene 1. There is reference to a "Scene 4: There is Beer In the Public Library if You Know Where to Look" with a man first called Don Blattison then Jon Trattorson sitting still as page after page turns as a small camera clicks as people rush past... but it is only in scribbled and scratched through notes on paper stained with the dried rings left by a beer glass.]